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What can you get for the person who has everything, you ask? Laughter. The answer is laughter. I know it’s the time of year when you’re scrambling around, trying to find the perfect gift for everyone on your list. Well, I (along with Bryan Allain over on his blog) have decided to make it easy for you.

I’ve compiled a list of the 12 items that have made me laugh really hard this year (nine really funny books, a funny CD, a yet-to-be-released book based on a funny blog, and a book that has helped me create funny). Just click on the links below to order.** Your loved ones will thank you (and mean it).

**So far I’ve made $0.00 with this blog. After logging a good 500-700 hours on it, that puts me at making somewhere in the neighborhood of $0/hour. I have tried though. After making some mistakes, I think I’ve found a good solution. I’m now part of this program with Amazon where, if you buy products through my site, I’ll receive a little compensation from each purchase.

I figure I’m making recommendations anyway, so why not create a way for you to buy them right through my site? So, click on one of the links above, or you can buy something through the sidebar widget at anytime. Seriously, thanks in advance.

I have to admit – I am, quite possibly, one of the biggest Christmas music fans of all time. If it were socially acceptable, I would start listening to my Christmas playlist in mid-August. Just yesterday, I logged a good seven hours listening to the Mariah Carey Christmas station on Pandora. I’m not proud of it.

There are, however, a few Christmas songs that need to be eliminated from the face of the planet. Here’s a small sampling to get the conversation started. I know there are plenty more…

1. I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus by The Ronettes
(Click here to listen)

2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevey
(Click here to listen)

3. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late) by Alvin and the Chipmunks
(Click here to listen)

4. Christmas Shoes by Newsong
(Click here to listen)

5. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
(Click here to listen)

Any others that you hope to never hear again?
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Technorati Tags: Christmas Music, Worst Christmas songs

“I’m Just Sayin”
This is a distant cousin of “bless her heart”. I believe the thought process is this: As long as I slap this phrase on at the end, I can say whatever brutally honest and cutting statement I want without any repercussions. Well let me set the record straight. You just said it, and yet I’m still really bothered by what you said about the “enormity” of my Adam’s Apple. I’m just sayin.

Sticky Menu
I always thought the stickiness was from the last person’s food. But 96% of the restaurants I’ve ever been to have the same policy – waiters (almost forcefully) collect the menus as soon as you’re done ordering. So…why is this menu sticky? Is something– Wait. Never mind. I’d rather not know.

“TMI”
No commentary needed. Let’s all vow to never say this again.

Really Hidden Keys
If you think you’ve found the perfect hiding spot when hiding a key, you have. Not even you will be able to find it. Doesn’t matter if it’s raining really hard or if there’s something really important inside that you need to get. You won’t be able to. The hiding spot was too perfect.

Reply All
Hmmm. All I want to do is congratulate Derek for keeping his mass email update under 1000 words (and for breaking it up into paragraphs). Should I just reply, or reply all? I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I mean, if I reply to him only, he might not comprehend how proud I really am. And doesn’t Susan also want to know (and Kevin and Rick and Jason and 91 others)? Of course! It would be a crime to keep this between me and Derek. Reply All it is!!

Your turn. I haven’t provided the Pet Peeves platform in awhile, so I know that you’ve got some building up.

For my comprehensive list of peeves, click here, or on the A Million Peeves link above.
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Technorati Tags: Pet Peeves, Reply All, TMI

I have so many things to be thankful for. I’m married to an incredible woman. I have two healthy, wonderful boys. I couldn’t dream up a better extended family. I get to do what I love for a living (or so I hope).  Life is great.

In addition to all of the things that really matter, there’s a whole list of trivial things that I’m thankful for:

1. DVR – Quite possibly the greatest invention of the decade.

2. iPhone – I will never own a different phone. I know, I know – Verizon’s service is better. Doesn’t matter.

3. Free Internet at Starbucks – Here’s how. This has enabled Starbucks to become my second office.

4. David Sedaris, AJ Jacobs, and Simon Rich – My three favorite comedy writers at the moment. They have made reading as exciting as TV for me, which is saying a lot.

5. Twitter – I can’t believe I was once in limbo as to whether or not I should do it.

6. Hulu.com -

7. Online Bill Pay – Why would anyone still write checks?

8. My White MacBook

9. Reduced Fat Cheez-Its – The single greatest salty snack in America.

10. Google Reader – Thanks Josh. This has revolutionized my time on the internet. What is it, you ask?

11. Movie Theater Popcorn – Worth every penny (all 700 of them).

12. Craigslist – The Stantons have turned selling stuff on Craigslist into a part-time job, and it’s paying off.

13. Home Haircuts – Saves us from having to spend the kind of money Tripp spends on haircuts.

14. Advil – This might be the sole reason I’ve made it through a month of running.

15. Public Library – Did you know they have free books there?

16. Fat Tire

17. Gmaps Pedometer – This site tracks mileage for us runners (I’ve been waiting to publicly call myself that).

18. Pandora and Last.fm

19. Starbucks Red Cups – These have a tremendous impact on my psyche during the winter months.

20. Texting – My personal favorite way to communicate.

21. Christmas Music

22. Barnes & Noble – The one store I could browse around for an entire day.

23. Blogging Friends – Specifically, Bryan Allain, Tripp Crosby, Jon Acuff, Kevin Keigley, Lacey Keigley, Everett Bracken, David Robertson, and Philly Osborn.

24. Loofas

What trivial things are you thankful for? Do tell.
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1. Favorite Video – Brad Wiggins (with The Twoctor)

2. Favorite Book – The Guinea Pig Diaries by A.J. Jacobs

3. Favorite Upcoming Movie – Invictus

4. Favorite Christmas Album – Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey

5. Favorite Website – autocompleteme.com (also this)

6. Favorite Prank – Streeter and Amir

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Technorati Tags: A.J. Jacobs, Brad Wiggins, College Humor Prank, Mariah Carey Christmas, The Guinea Pig Diaries

I’ve been pulled over an absurd amount of times in my thirteen years of driving. Through these unfortunate experiences I have learned many valuable lessons (none of which, apparently, were “slow down”). I’ve learned how/how not to speak to an officer (”Dude” is frowned upon), the importance of body language (lip-quivers rarely get you the traction you desired), what excuses work, and what approaches never stand a chance. Allow me to share a few of my experiences…

Sympathetic Approach
Situation: Speeding home from college during my Freshman year on I-20
My Actual Quote: “Today is my little brother’s last baseball game…and I’m running late. I’ll never forgive myself if I miss it.”
Body Language: Lip-quiver, exaggerated “this isn’t happening” head-shake
Result: $125 ticket and a “too bad” from the officer about missing the game

Illogical Approach
Situation: Driving through a blizzard in Colorado in a friend’s truck with one friend in the passenger seat, one hiding behind my seat, and two laying down in the covered bed hugging snow skis
My Actual Quote: “I was, um, just speeding up…um, to try to find the speed limit sign…faster.”
Body Language: Excessive squinting, looking off into the distance, mild shivering, discrete shushing of dude behind me
Result: Warning (Officer’s wife was from Georgia, which, he reminded me, was the only reason I was let off the hook)

Biological Approach
Situation: Driving down State Bridge Rd., the speed-trap capital of Metro Atlanta
My Actual Quote: “Sir, my stomach is killing me. You know…that kind of killing me. I’m just trying to get to a bathroom before I ruin my car’s upholstery.”
Body Language: Stomach clutching, shifting around in seat, high eyebrow raises every few seconds
Result: $75 ticket (apparently that excuse was “tremendously unoriginal”)

Desperate Approach
Situation: Driving to Waffle House in South Carolina at 11pm
My Actual Quote: “Please, PLEASE, just give me a warning. My dad is going to kill me. No? I’m serious. It has something to do with insurance premiums, but I’m not entirely sure. I’ll do anything. Please?
Body Language: Temporarily resting head on steering wheel, lots of prayer hands, excessive use of “Sir”
Result: $50 ticket

Blatantly Honest Approach
Situation: Driving home on Dogwood Rd. around midnight
My Actual Quote: “Why was I speeding? Honestly, I’m really tired. It’s been a long day. The guy who’s basement I live in just got a new hot tub and I’m really excited about going to get in it.”
Body Language: None
Result: Warning (He said he was taken aback by my honesty)

Any other excuses we need to know about? Any of you tried one of these with a different result? Any cops that read this who could give us the secret code word to get out of all future traffic violations?
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Technorati Tags: Police, Speeding, Speeding Ticket, Traffic Violations